Friday, August 07, 2015

"She was unstoppable. Not because she did not have failures or doubts, but because she continued on despite them."

- Beau Taplin.

I'm hoping this is the beginning of something great. I have never been one to be so... exposed, if you will. For a few years, I was a robot under the control of someone else. I was forced to live in a bubble, secluded from those around me. At the hands of an ex-boyfriend I was abused physically and mentally on pretty much a daily basis. I felt worthless for a little over 4 years. I felt as if I couldn't do anything right, even though I ended up being the source of the income and paying all the bills that came our way. While I was 4-5 months pregnant with my daughter, we ended up getting kicked out of the place we were living in because we couldn't make rent and that caused us to sleep in a van on the side of the road in Waipio Gentry. I felt like a joke and most of all I felt as if I failed my son, who was 3 at the time. The night before my daughter was born, my ex & I got into physical altercation. I left to go to my moms house for a while and low and behold, the next day my daughter was born. I blame the stress and what happened physically the night before. Ill be honest with you, in the months that followed after she was born... I felt as alone as ever. I feel confident that I suffered from post-partum depression, but in the relationship I was in... I had no choice but to "suck it up" and deal with it on my own. God forbid I tried to open up to anyone. I also didn't know WHO I could turn to. There were moments where the turmoil of my so called relationship spilled out into the streets for the public to see, but all I got were stares. The amount of effort I put into the relationship was nothing less than I would put in now. I was devoted, loyal, caring, supportive... anything you'd find in a relationship from a girlfriend. I couldn't understand why I was treated so bad. I was constantly accused of things I didn't do. So eventually I just stopped going out and doing anything except work. There came times when even THAT became an issue! Besides the relationship with him, my relationships with others around me were weak. I put up a front for so long that I started to believe that everything was MY fault. I believed that everything that came my way, I deserved. I didn't feel good enough to have anyone in my life... I started to feel like I didn't deserve my kids and I started to believe that I truly was worthless. It got to the point where I couldn't look people in the eyes when I spoke to them. I felt as if eye contact would give away everything that I was trying to hide from the outside world. The emotions that "normal" people would feel about situations, I wouldn't. I forgot what joy was, I couldn't cry, I didn't smile or laugh, I was literally a robot. 

There will be times I go into more depth of my past,

but for now thats the short version to gear up the purpose of me starting youRide, iRide.

In the days following my break up... my release from hell... I felt as light as a feather. I could BREATHE. It took a while for me to get where I am now, but I'm HERE. Changing your mindset to believe you are WORTH something will not come over night.... it takes weeks & sometimes months of reminding by no one but yourself. It all starts with YOU. Once you understand your worth, there is NO ONE in this universe who can make you feel otherwise. I promise you, people will try... they will try their hardest to bring you down. However, that just proves you are already above them. Now, if you can grasp this- you will be on your way to one of the purposes of youRide, iRide. Again, that avenue will be discussed in another post. So stay tuned! 

At the end of the day, there is only one person you are 10000% guaranteed to be going to bed with, and that is YOURSELF. If you feel that you did not have a successful day, there is ALWAYS tomorrow, and the day after that. Don't ever give up on yourself. Don't ever stop defending yourself. If you don't have faith in yourself or defend yourself, how can you expect anyone else to do so? Don't ever give someone else the power to control your happiness and your view of yourself. No one knows the battles you face better than you. As hard as life gets, when you feel like you've hit rock bottom... GOOD. That just means the only way to go is up. As you've noticed, the ";" or semi-colon is present on the homepage. If you know and understand the significance behind the ";" then you grasp the one of the meanings for this site. YOU have the choice and power to control your life in that aspect. YOU have the power to control your attitude. YOU have the power to control your company, or those you surround yourself with. No matter what it is you're going through, you can rise above. Once you find it in yourself to live life on a higher positive level, spread it like wildfire! Take your personal empowerment and inspire those around you and help others to find it in themselves. I thought that I had risen above and beyond from my rough past... but it wasn't until this past July that I truly came to terms with who I have grown to be. I reconnected with a really close friend from high school and with that reconnection paired with some moments with a couple of my best friends, did I have clarity as to who I was and the path I wanted to travel down. I thought the way I handled myself was good enough, but little did I know I had a lot more growth in me. I went from Beta to Alpha, and for good reason. I was shown that I needed to stand up for myself more in order to get what I wanted in life, not just stand on the sidelines and "see" what would happen if I was patient. I you want something, GO GET IT. Plain and simple. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "Do what you feel in your heart is right, you'll be criticized for it anyway." She's right. No matter what, there will always be someone out there who has something negative to say. Stop making the effort to please others. Once you start to live your life for you, you'll flourish. As tough as the universe may be, someone somewhere is here for you. The MAIN purpose of youRide, iRide. I want to reach my heart out to those who are in one of the hardest times of their lives, who feel like they can't make it through and who feel like they don't have anyone to turn to. You are not alone. I am here. Whether it be through simple emails back and forth or you just coming through and reading some uplifting posts...

I. Am. Here.